Olefactory Reality

I was sitting on the sofa enjoying a little down time. Suddenly, I had the greatest urge to fart. Bllllllllp! "Whew, I thought, that's not going to be nice." Then immediately, "What the hell. Was this the best come-to-Dog realization that I would have in my lifetime? When has a fart been "nice'". I mentioned my realization to my husband. "I guess some are worse than others," he said. "Yeah, but when is a fart ever nice?" I asked. "Get my point? Yours can peel the paint off the wall. They should sell the stuff to the military, and we can bring everyone home from the Middle East!"

With that, we laughed--a lot. Can you imagine if the kids were home? They would be wondering what was so freaking funny, and once they learned it was Bathroom Humor, would probably call up to get us both assessed and signed up for the Old (Farts!) Home.

Later that evening in bed, my husband pre pre-warned me, (he normally says "oh oh"); but this time he said, "This is going to be bad, very bad." "Thanks", I said. "Yeah," he said, "It makes the one this morning almost 'nice'."

I could have slugged him, but I was running to put on the ceiling fan.

Dryer Gremlin

Sometimes life hands you things to deal with, and the experience is like taking things out of the dryer. You swore you didn't turn those pants inside out; but there they are, and you imagine the little dryer gremlin who steals just one sock, tumbling around with your clothes, grabbing at the pants legs, and grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Enough of this Life-Is-Like-A-Box-Of-Chocolates crapola. It is never that sweet or sublime. Just about the time that you think you get it all figured out-wham, here comes the inside-out-back-to-front thing complete with bellybutton fuzz. Life is more like the first few stanzas of a Charles Ives composition--just before you can make out the tune--the discord and imblalance makes you just a little bit nuts!

I think that I would like to go a whole week with everyone wearing their clothes just the way they come out of the dryer. The mere act would unpomp the pompous, humble the haughty, and add a touch of human interest to us all.

For example, knowing that (fill in the blank) was wearing his briefs insideout (if he doesn't go commando), might give us all something to smile about.

The Results Are In

It has been a roller-coaster week, but it seems that my efforts are paying off. My tweeting/Facebook girl and I have spent some major time together; and the best news is that, she PASSED! She didn't tell me, but she took my advise. And.... she is getting this whole "why do you say this doesn't make any sense" thing, because she brought the same thing to me that I gave back to her months ago with the comment, "I know you think that I am just being picky, but this just doesn't make any sense". She took a big breath and said, "You know, this just doesn't make any sense now."

Hallelujah, sweet mother of pearl! Pass the truffles and wine. I think that we are making progress! I smiled. Unfortunately, I still really really hate my job. I guess every cloud has a silver lining coupled with a lightning bolt that will smack the crap out of you.

Moving Forward

The young woman waddled to the edge of the pool steps, gingerly felt her way down the stairs, and sat heavily at the edge of the pool. Her advanced "mommyness" showed in her mannerism and careful grace. "Go on in", I said. "The weightlessness will be heaven". "If I go in, I might not come out!" she laughed.

After bobbing around a while in the pool, dodging laughing and splashing children, she resigned herself to getting out and pulled herself up the stairs to her waiting husband. He swaddled her in a beach towel and gently kissed her nose.

Talking to her later, I was eager to ask, "I thought you didn't want children. I thought you said that you had so many things that you wanted to do before you even thought about them." She turned to me, smiled, and with all the wisdom that comes to reckoning with what means the most said, "I realized that without my own children in my life, all I will ever be is my parent's child. I want to be so much more during my life. I can have a 'career' later, but love and children can't wait."

Looking aroung the garden and seeing my own husband, sons, and grandsons, I understood.

Wooops!

How long after your dog goes to Doggie Heaven does it take for you to realize that the little munchkin is not there to clean up the occasional food mishap. We always exclaimed, "Whoops!", every time we dropped a morsel on the floor to let the dog know there was a tidbit there for her. I am still "Woopsing", but have to go back and clean up the mess. The first week after Tip's flight, the kitchen floor looked like hell, and the squirrels thought that I had come around to the idea of artificially feeding wild animals.

Get it may take a while. I found one of her toys in my by-the-back-door-garden-crap-I-won't-leave-out-in-case-a-great-big-spider-takes-up-residence-and-tries-to-attack-me basket.

Anyway, I can see why dogs were so handy during the Dark ages.

Summmmmmertime Bounty

It seems that the last few weekends have culminated with family, friends, food, and great times. This next weekend will bring a reunion with one side of the family, while a gathering at the end of next month will bring us together with the other side. This weekend will also herald another pool party for the "babies". Is it Kosher to still call them that? I'm not sure. They are definitely old enough to admonish me for my temporary lapses into the world of the expletive: but seem forgiving and entertained enough not to rat me out to their Papa. I can usually ransom my way out of trouble with a "bawoon" from Papa's office or jelly bean from the candy dish. Looking into their impish faces and twinkling eyes, I see resemblances of both my sons and a glimps of the future.

I look upon all the events as a time to touch base, and spend precious moments, with both sons and family and extended family. Although one of the reunions has been motivated by severe illness, we will take the time to celebrate the fact that those of us that are there, can eat, drink, and laugh together, even though the future may not be very bright.

Stand aside, I have side dishes and dessert to prepare! I feel caprese and chocolate coming on........

Lactose and the Quirky

I have an affinity for lovely cheeses, and was thoroughly in my element in England. My bi-weekly trips to Cambridge were made to visit the cheese monger to ensure that the fridge always had a ration of Stilton, Leicester, Edam, Brie, and "hard" cheese. Now that the U.S. has finally caught up it's a pleasure to go to our farmers market and find quark, Portuguese Dry Jack, Cheddars and other delights, in additon to fruits and veggies.

Having recently raided the sausage factory, my lunches currently consist of bits and pieces--bread or crackers, sausage, cheese, fruit, and alas, soda (not wine!). Others I work with think I'm just too frugal to buy a sandwich or burger. Some even think I'm quirky. Tomorrow, lunch will be ledt over Caprese, sausage, french bread, and iced tea. A sweet Pluot and (golf course) blackberries will round out the meal.

So sorry for the Quiznos and Carls set. Eat your heart out!